I’m in the air. Flying into NYC to do some talks. I’m not going to be lecturing. I’m going to be talking to some people.
I was supposed to be doing a GLOW screening event and that got moved or cancelled or something but I kept the trip. Figured I’d line up a few interviews and wander around NYC in the rain apparently. It’s always raining when I’m there. I don’t know if it will be but my phone told it probably will be.
It’s strange. As our government seems to be progressing towards irreparable corruption into a different, single party, authoritarian system I feel it to be even more pressing to get my own shit straight so I can see clearly who I am and what is really happening. So I can work from there with more understanding. Obviously, I have a good deal of my shit relatively straight but as I have been talking about on the show there are a few obstacles that I need to clear. It’s about personal truth. All this talk about authenticity, wholeheartedness, mindfulness is all well and good but… when it comes right down to it, ‘you are who you are.’ What the fuck is that? That’s the big question. Who are you who wanders around and talks to the people? Is it totally selfish? Is it helpful? Is it being of service? Is it righteous? Is it garbage? Is it a waste of time? Is it just more distracting fodder? Is it amazing? Is it awful? Do you love it? Is it fucking true to yourself, really? These probably could all be answered with a yes at one point or another.
It’s weird when you get a certain amount of clarity to see that in some ways you may be living alongside of yourself. It’s almost dissociative. When, all of a sudden, you see that you’ve been holding yourself back out of habit, fear. That needs to stop. I don’t look back on my life with regrets, but I do look back and think, ‘Wow, why couldn’t I be okay with who I was, ever?’ That’s a little painful. I am almost okay with myself. I’m not sure how that will manifest if I ever get there but maybe we’ll see.
I have a very distinct love/hate relationship with almost everything in my life.
I started logging my food again. So, that’s good.
Great shows this week. Today I talk to a lifer. The actor Dennis Quaid is always good. I feel like I’ve known him my whole life from seeing him in stuff. I was happy to hang out with him for an hour or so. On Thursday I do a rare two guester with Anna Konkle and Maya Erskine. I really loved their show PEN15 and it was great hearing about their relationship and their stories and how the show came about.