My panic knows no bounds.

I’ve got nothing, folks.

Busy. I am immersed in writing the show. I am doing one more long set at Trepany House and then it’s mostly production from here on out. The stories are coming along and the writer’s room is humming. The real trick is not putting on 20 pounds from eating shitty snacks at the office. It seems when there is a creative lull in the room the only thing to do is dump granola bars, chips, yogurt, candy and whatever is there into the mouth of the lull until something funny or a story point comes out of its mouth.

I almost lost my mind over bullshit today. You know why? Because I like to lose my mind over bullshit. It keeps me away from losing my mind over bigger things because I don’t need to lose my mind. My panic knows no bounds and I am sick of it. Things are going well, so instead of accepting that and just doing the work, some part of my brain feels like things aren’t going well. At least I've grown enough to know not to fuck up what is going well. Instead I just drive myself crazy over a book I can’t find. Which I did. I was literally beside myself with self-judgment and anger because I couldn’t find a book that was sent to me as promotion for a guest. I decided over the twenty minutes that I was looking for it that I was an idiot, not good at what I do, irresponsible, disorganized, not well represented, disrespectful and possibly in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's.

I’ve never seen so clearly my need to beat the shit out of myself with things, people, behavior. It’s right there. I just have to stop. It sneaks up on me though. I think I do things just so I can beat the shit out of myself instead of just doing what is right or deeper and good for me. Which means I am more comfortable beating myself up then growing. I guess it’s pretty obvious but when you work it out on paper it just seems like a stupid waste of time. I’m such an asshole. See, did it again.

Monday I talk to John Mulaney. John is a sharp young comic who has a show on the TV. From all appearances it looks like the show is not going to make it. I talk to John about how that feels and where he is with his career. It’s hard to get the big shot and feel it not go the way you want it to. On Thursday me and Bret Easton Ellis are a couple of middle age guys sitting around talking about what that’s like. We’re pretty smart so it’s not just ‘these kids today’ talk, but it's slightly elevated ‘these kids today’ talk.


Boomer lives!