We’re in it, People!
It feels like just another day in some ways, obviously, but I do feel a shift in my thinking. I guess that has something to do with the transition into a new year. It may have something to do with resolutions. I don’t really make resolutions but I think my brain naturally reflects on the marking of another year and makes a half-assed attempt at convincing me that we should do some things differently.
The main things I am up against when this inner discussion happens are habits. Mental habits, physical habits, the patterns and loops we live our lives in mentally.
Changing behavior is aggravating because most of the time it isn’t satisfying. I think I do things because I want to feel a certain way and sometimes I act impulsively. Stifling that impulse is doable but holding the stifling is torturous sometimes. The impulse festers and takes on a life of it’s own. The only way you can get through this, I believe, is just let the impulse scream and yell and cry. It’s doing that because it’s dying. If you don’t feed it, it will die. Unfortunately, they regenerate rather quickly, so you may have to deal with the death screams of impulses a lot. You get used to them and you can try negotiating with them like you would a child. Sometimes that placates them. I find that as I get older these impulses get older, too. They are onto themselves and most of the time a bit halfhearted and embarrassed. That’s a gift.
Sorry if this vague or abstract. Some of you know what I am talking about. It’s a broad-based idea for those who struggle with self-awareness.
Yes, there are some things that are pretty hardwired and not really open to change, or changeable at all. Again, though, age dulls some of that and also humbles it because it is humiliating and exhausting and embarrassing to honor it.
I guess what I am saying is this year I’m going to try to live a little more comfortably with myself in terms of being okay with who I am. Fuck. I wish that wasn’t such a struggle. It is what it is. 2016.
I have a nice talk with David Spade today. We didn’t really know each other and I wasn’t optimistic about us getting along but it was great. On Thursday I talk to the genius that is Todd Haynes. I’m a big fan of his films so this was an exciting talk for me. I hope it is for you as well.
We’re in it, People!