Dispatches from the Head

Glad it wasn’t just me.



Here we go, People-

I’m trying to get a jump on this update thing. It’s Saturday. It seems I can’t really write these unless I’m under pressure.

I will be in Rochester with Nate Bargatze for the Rochester Fringe on Sept. 21st and Toronto for JFL42 on Sept. 24th. Dig it. Get tickets. ALSO, come to the LA Podfest Oct. 4-6. Check out the line up. I'll be there. Crazy.

I may not be as fucked up as I think I am. There is definitely progress. I don’t really like when people say, "Everything is going well for you now. What will you have to complain about?" This is a misunderstanding. Things may be going well but along with things going well there are more responsibilities, more work and the fact that I still have the same fucking brain in my head. It is wired to worry and complain. It is doing it a bit less but it is still trained to do that. I didn’t train it that way. That’s either the way it came or the manufacturers built it that way. The truth is that sometimes worry and complaining become like mental phantom limbs. There is nothing to worry or complain about but the brain still thinks it has to. I have some of those happening. No pills yet, fyi.

The real progress occurred on Wednesday night. I don’t like to admit this but when I don’t do well on stage it kills me. It’s like a punch in the soul's guts. It is pure, unfiltered rejection. You feel. It is palpable. Part of the skill of a comic is to pretend like it doesn’t bother your or address it while it’s happening and try to make that funny. Though the old timers think that’s a big no no.

I went to The Comedy Store. I’m going to be in town more and I have to stay in funny shape. It was a small crowd but not nobody. I went up there third and just couldn’t get over. JOKES I KNEW WORKED! Got nothing. I felt part of me shut down on stage. That part would be my heart. After a certain point I took my heart out of the equation and just let my brain get us through the show. It was only a 15 minute set but it was bad. I hadn’t felt that in a while.

The feeling that I get when I bomb is shame. It’s not like a bad day at work. It’s fucking embarrassing. In the past I would compulsively revisit that shame for days, maybe weeks after it happened. Today is 3 days after it happened and it doesn’t bother me at all. Even if I try to feel it right now it’s just one of those psychic phantom limbs. It’s there but it doesn’t hurt me and I can’t use the feeling foot on that limb to kick the shit out of my heart. It was just a bad night. This amazing growth was also helped along by the fact that I went to The Comedy Store the night after and the dude that works there said that every comic got off stage that night saying it was one of the worst crowds they’ve ever had. Maybe I haven’t grown at all. There is a lot to be said for being able to say, "Glad it wasn’t just me."

Author and podcaster Dan Savage is on the show today. We talk about some gay stuff, some political stuff, some family stuff, some sex stuff. We mix it up.

Years ago when I found out that Hunt and Tony Sales were the rhythm section on Iggy Pop’s Lust for Life it blew my mind. Not because they were so fucking good, which they are, but because they were Soupy Sales' kids. I thought that was amazing. They also played on the first couple of Todd Rundgren’s albums and were in Bowie’s Tin Machine. I’ve been a bit obsessed with Hunt Sales for years. I talked to him in Austin. You can hear that Thursday. Also on Thursday me and Brendon Small have a classic guitar nerd off in the garage.

Enjoy.

Boomer lives!



Love,
Maron


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