Jesus, I’m worn out, People.
I’m not even sure why. I imagine it’s because I’ve gone into overdrive with doing shit around the house all of a sudden. I have been putting off setting up my in-house office for a few years, I guess. Yeah. So, now all of sudden, in a surge, it became time to deal with that.
I’m building shelves, moving boxes, hanging pictures, throwing stuff away, stacking books and filling drawers WITH SHIT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. I have more rubber bands than I’ll ever use in my lifetime. So many Sharpies. About sixty post-it pads. I have no idea where all this stuff comes from. I don’t buy it. It appears.
This flurry of activity is some sort of attempt to make me feel like I am grounded and that life is okay. I’m trying to create spaces that I enjoy being in. When I look around my new office I am comfortable and I like sitting in there. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do in there. It’s another place to sit and listen to music and space out. I have been doing yoga and meditation in that room.
The real issue is that any time I have a moment of okayness it is immediately counteracted with an overwhelming feel of, ‘what’s the point?’ Anytime my brain edges into acceptance and a little peace of mind some other part of my brain says, ‘yeah but you’ll be dead soon and none of this matters.’ I have to actively fight that voice all the time. I know I do. Brendan pointed out that it sounds like a trauma reaction. I think that is true but I felt like this a bit before this past year. I may have inherited some of it.
My dad does nothing. He used to do things. He used to work constantly and run around fucking people and drive fast cars and carry guns around and ski and buy fancy suits. Now he does nothing. He isn’t interested in doing anything but complaining that he is bored and there is nothing to do. I don’t want to be that guy. I can't be. It is in me though. It is my birthright.
Happy Passover to you Jews who do that.
Sammy Red the kitten is doing well. I have introduced the two and Buster seems open to Sammy. He’s not happy but he’s not that freaked out. I’ve been letting Sam explore the house a bit. He’s turning eight weeks old this week. So, I have to keep an eye on him still. I think he’s a good guy.
Today I talk to director Azazel Jacobs about his latest film French Exit with Michelle Pfeiffer. It’s a sweet, disturbing movie. I like his stuff. On Thursday I talk to the actor Daniel Kaluuya about playing Fred Hampton and who he is as a person and actor. Great talks!
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron