I’m a little nuts, people!
It keeps coming around to that.
What the fuck is wrong with me sometimes?
I really don’t know why some part of my brain needs to feel shitty for me to create stuff but it does and I don’t seem to have much control over it. I’m just trying not to let it ruin the rest of my life. I hate even feeling this shit, let alone writing it down. Everything should be good. Things are good. I’ve got more than I need in so many ways and I’m doing good work. When it comes down to standup though that’s a different part of the brain altogether. I’m trying to figure out whether or not it is all born out of emotional sickness and whether or not it is actually correctable. Is there a place I can come from with my creativity and comedy that isn’t rooted in discomfort and anger? I don’t know. Would I want to come from that place? I thought I did for a few minutes the other day but then I almost bored myself to sleep and got angry about it.
It’s all coinciding with my stupid self-awareness of being at this juncture, with these thoughts and feelings, again and again and again. Whatever growth I think I’m making is external in most of the core ways. Some things are great and have helped me feel like I’m doing good work and I feel good about that. I’m making a living, which is great. Deeper down it seems I really need to be not happy with myself in order to create. I know this is almost hackneyed in its conceit but I haven’t felt like I have been keeping myself unhappy or embracing unhappiness in order to do what I do lately. I’ve been feeling pretty good. The issue is I am looking down the wrong side of the barrel of the need for a new hour of standup. I guess I have to pull the trigger to get where I need to get with it and blow my brains out emotionally or make my life difficult or …TRY NOT TO.
Maybe that’s the struggle. But that’s always the struggle. I really need a new way. I really need to be saved or I need to save myself or at the very least just be okay with the process. Be patient. Stay open. Sounds awful.
Great guests this week on the show! Today the angelic mystical genius of the harp Joanna Newsom is here. I love her. On Thursday I talk to playwright Stephan Karam about his process, his experience and his hit show ‘The Humans’ which is now on Broadway. Also on Thursday Josh Brener, my assistant guy on ‘Maron’ (and Big Head on 'Silicon Valley') will hang out a bit.