Sad days, People.
I’m okay, just sad. Grief. Real grief. It’s appropriate and not all consuming but it’s still hard. It’s over the loss of my friend, my cat, LaFonda.
The day came.
I don’t know how much most of you know about that cat and where she came from but she and her siblings were essential to me finding my voice on radio and subsequently podcasting. I trapped a litter of totally feral kittens who were eating out of dumpsters behind my apartment in Astoria, Queens back around August 2004. The chaos that ensued was so all consuming that I couldn’t help but talk about it on the radio every day for weeks. I was at Air America at the time. I theoretically was supposed to be talking about politics but with the support of the production crew (which included Brendan McDonald) I was encouraged to talk about my ‘life’ and by doing that my life on the mic in that medium evolved. It was the immediacy of caring for those cats that enabled my voice.
Monkey and LaFonda moved back to LA with me and they have been through lots of experiences and people since then. They were both indoor/outdoor cats for quite a while and survived. So, they had their own adventures outside with life, inside with me. As they got older I got more afraid of them being eaten or run over and they came in for a good many years ago now.
As many of you know when I got back from Ireland it was clear that LaFonda had become severely ill. She had lost a lot of weight and was diminishing before my eyes. I brought her into the vet and he told me she had a bladder infection which we treated and that her kidneys we’re shot, almost gone, but it wasn’t time to put her down. He said when she starts puking or having diarrhea all the time, then it’s done. He recommended subcutaneous fluids a few times a week. So, I was focused on keeping her alive. Trying to get her to level off. He said I may get another year out of her. I suspect she had kidney problems for a long time so I was hopeful.
It wasn’t really working. She was conscious but very weak. I took to puréeing her food with water and setting it in front of her whenever I could. I gave her the IV fluids a few times a week for a couple of weeks. Her energy was going. I was trying to just accept that this was her in old age and it was fine. It wasn’t. I started to realize I would have to put her down at some point, possibly soon. I had never done that. Even though I’ve had many cats, I’ve never had to put one of my own down. They’ve died when I was away (Butch), disappeared (Boomer), got eaten (Deaf Black Cat) or run over (Scaredy Cat).
I knew I had to go away on Friday and I felt that LaFonda was deteriorating quickly but I was still trying to just nurse her. I didn’t know when or how to make the decision. I wanted to have her put down at home. The most helpful thing someone said was, ‘she will tell you.’ I didn’t know what that meant until I did.
Tuesday, she didn’t really eat and what she did, she threw up. She was howling on and off and seemed disoriented and wobbly. She started to act strange like trying to climb in the toilet and shitting in the shower. On Wednesday she didn’t eat at all and howled all day and was very agitated and strange. She was telling me. It was time.
On Thursday I took her to the vet kind of knowing that I would not leave with her but still in a bit of denial thinking it may be just another bladder infection.
The vet weighed her—5 lbs. Tiny. Listless but awake. He said her eyes were sunken and her gums white and she was anemic. He said her kidneys have most likely stopped working. He said it was time. I believed him. I spent time with her in the room. I talked to her. I gave her love. Lynn came and gave me and the cat love. I held LaFonda through the procedure and reassured her that things were okay. I didn’t know if I would cry but, man, I did. She went lifeless while I was holding her. It was a terrible but beautiful event. It felt right but devastating. I will get her ashes next week. I will remember her always.
I was the crying man leaving the vet’s office with an empty carrier.
LaFonda lives! Forever now.
Today I talk to Jay Roach about his films including his new one ‘Bombshell.’ On Thursday I talk to Alex Gibney about his documentary work including his new one ‘Citizen K.’ Great talks.
Enjoy!
Love,
Maron