Nice Ones.

Okay, People-

Hello, Portland! I will be in your not-so-fair, peculiar but charming city this weekend at Helium Comedy Club, April 19th, 20th, and 21st. I love it up there and I am looking forward to hanging out. Come down if you can. The following week I will be at The Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas for one big show at the Mohawk on April 26th. Can’t wait for that. Austin rocks.

As I get older I wonder if I have been a prude my whole life when it comes to certain things. I don’t have tattoos. I like them okay. I like looking at nice ones. I just could never think of something I would want tattooed on my body that I would like having there my whole life. I barely like my body without tattoos and most of the time wish I had a different one. So, I just leave it be. Maybe a tattoo would make me like my body as a canvas of a painting that is so fucking cool that I forget I hate my body for a while. Eventually I’m sure I’d be looking in the mirror thinking, ‘Wow, I look fat AND I have a punk rock mermaid perched on a skull over my left boob. So, now I am a fat idiot.’ Needless to say I don’t want a tattoo.

I was at my buddy’s house the other night hanging out with him and his girl. We were talking about Japan and they were talking about how the Japanese don’t dig tattoos as a culture, especially on women. Then my buddy said his girl, who was sitting next to me, was in a magazine photo shoot and in the edit they photoshopped her tattoos off her body. Then she handed me the magazine and showed me the picture and she was naked in them. Now I’m on a couch sitting next to my buddy looking at a picture of his naked girl and she’s showing them to me. What I was thinking was, ‘Hey, that’s you and those are your boobs. Wow. You’re like right here and I’m looking at a picture of your boobs.’ What I wanted to say was, ‘Hey, nice ones.’ What I did say, detached and professional like was, ‘So, where’s the tattoo supposed to be?’ She pointed to her lower back. Then I said, ‘It’s amazing that they can just do that.’ WHAT? I pretended to be cool. My question to me is, ‘Why aren’t you cool? You should just be cool with that, right? Not pretending to be cool. What are you, a teenager?’ Maybe I’m just a man. I should’ve just said, ‘Nice ones.’ See, I’m a fucking prude.

On the show this week: On Monday, I talk to Stephen Merchant. I was glad to get him alone. He’s a funny, smart guy and I don’t know if he would’ve gotten a word in if what’s his name was there. On Thursday, I talk to the biggest comic in the country, Kevin Hart. If you haven’t heard of him, what does that make you? Out of the loop. Seriously though, he’s the biggest selling act in the country and he’s a funny fucker and a great guy. Enjoy.

Love you all.