Tricks and Tics.

Overwhelming, Folks.

Some days are good. I guess I should say some days are okay. Ultimately, most days are spotty at best. 

Maybe it’s because I have to consciously leap out of my head into the present many times a day. Sometimes it’s easy because I am talking to someone or I am doing a task that requires my complete attention. If I am not busy and engaged my mind takes up the slack and gets busy and engaged with hypotheticals that are rarely positive. 

Some days are going fine and then out of nowhere the sadness descends and throws everything into question. The heaviness, as Rodney called it. 

Obviously, if you are awake and aware and informed there is a lot coming down on us. Just finding space to function is challenging. Making time to relax or enjoy yourself is compromised by the nag of horror. Which makes any good time a bit exhausting because you realize it’s just a reprieve. You can get angry at that reality and demand to yourself that it is still okay to have fun but the return to life, of the mind or routine, is abrupt. Fun is always kind of fleeting but now the other side of it harrowing.

Doing proactive or service-based endeavors is helpful but the very nature of that implies a futility on some level. 

Hey, maybe it’s just me. I’m doing what I can to treat this anxiety. 

I find it’s helpful to get as obsessed as possible with dumb, mundane things that need repair, or to be replaced or thrown out. Then when any of those is achieved it feels like a life changing, major accomplishment. Fleeting relief. 

My constant struggle with getting the correct prescription for my eyes and glasses that work has been a life long journey. I’m in it again. Then there’s the realization that perfect vision is fleeting and may not be possible. Followed by the realization that the whole vessel that is me is getting old. Then there’s the feeling of why bother. With glasses, exercise, eating well. 

I should just sit and quietly fester while eating something horrible for me but delicious and everything is just slightly blurry. 

‘What are doing, stupid?’ That’s the inner voice that is the clearest. It can be very useful in maintaining a full life but it can also stop you from doing so. Tricky business. 

All that said, I guess I’m okay. There are big transitions on the horizon for me personally and I’m sure that isn’t helping my mind much but I do have time to prepare for them. The unknown is stressful, but you realize that’s everyday and you just plow on. 

I’m hoping for inspiration and to spend more time with people who inspire me. Whether it be in person or in writing or on film. 

I need to feed my head to make sense of my place in the world. I have to make sure that continues so I don’t become one of the walking dead. An organic bag of tricks and tics, habits and routines, operating in a loop of a fragmented personal history of attempts at peace of mind in the chaos of creativity. 

Uplifting today. I know. 

Today I talk to the inspiring Leanne Morgan about her journey in comedy. Thursday I talk to comedian and writer Jena Friedman. 

Enjoy!

Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!

Love,
Maron