Time, People!
Time is racing by. It seems to go faster when you get older.
I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to get a sense of what’s real, what’s fantasy and what’s delusion in relation to who I think I am. Getting right-sized is what they call it in the recovery racket.
I’m tired. In my bones. I’ve been working mostly non-stop for almost forty years. Things worked out. I am grateful. Things aren’t perfect, but are they ever? I am hobbled in many ways.
There are certain ways of thinking I have had since I was a kid. Patterns. The way I conceived of what success is and was. Where I saw myself. What I saw myself doing. What I wanted professionally, personally. In some ways I have fallen short. I made a lot of mistakes. Certain parts of me haven’t evolved or grown, some things have.
Lately, for some reason, age most likely, I have been confronted with who I am because of reactions I have had and plans I have made. I know time is running out. On a lot of levels. Both of my parents are still alive and the age gap between us is tightening up. It’s odd.
I’ve realized that there are things I have wanted since I was younger and the intensity of the desire hasn’t really changed. I thought about living in New York recently with the idea that it would be a great place to get old. I would be swept up by the energy of the city. I would hang out with friends all the time. Go to museums, shows, theatre. It would keep me engaged and alive. Then I realized that when I lived there as a younger person I hardly did any of that. I don’t even really like doing comedy in the city anymore.
The truth is when I was younger I thought it was a huge sign of success to have a place in LA and NYC. That meant you made it. Maybe if I was 40 it would apply but I’m long past it. Fantasy Marc was holding on to the idea. He has a lot of ideas. I have to let him go.
Real Marc likes a quiet place.
In terms of delusion, comparing myself to other comics was just part of the competitive nature of the game. The truth is, despite what I thought about wanting to be a great comic, one of the best, I just thought by telling my truth in a funny way would do it. Look, I’m big enough, but I had big expectations and ideas of what I deserved. This isn’t coming from a place of self pity, it’s coming from a place of profound insecurity that morphs and manifests in all kinds of ways. It’s an almost complete lack of self acceptance.
Delusions are kind of necessary to have when you are younger and trying to do something ridiculous with your life. How else can you find the strength?
Now the delusions just reaffirm the insecurity. There is no purpose for them. It’s all twisted ego stifling real growth. I have to let them go to find peace, if possible.
Emotionally I’m dumb and young and a bit self-centered. I can show up for people and help out and be a pretty efficient co-dependent but in terms of really opening my heart in intimate relationships it’s always been just too terrifying. Crippled by bad parenting. Again, that fear is old business, but it's hard to overcome and sad and because of it I’ve hurt myself emotionally and others.
Somehow I have to let that fear go.
Tough stuff, this getting old business. I know people say it’s never too late. That may be true, but only if you want it to be and you feel like the risk is worth it.
I don’t feel empty. I just feel stuck, chronically. Awareness is coming it seems.
Today I talk to Mark Ruffalo and it was great. Good guy. He struggles with stuff. We relate. We have an added episode with America Ferrera on Wednesday which is a pretty amazing success story. On Thursday I have a very thorough talk with Rodrigo Prieto about his cinematography for the films Barbie and Killers of the Flower Moon and many others.
Big week!
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
