I’m losing my mind. You?
I’ve gotten myself all strung out again. Nicotine lozenges and about a gallon of black tea a day. I’m sitting around wondering why I’m so anxious and jacked up all the time. Aggravated. I just refuse to acknowledge what’s causing it. Like being a caffeine and nicotine sponge that I have to keep soaked all day, every day would have anything to do with my mental disposition. Nah. Must be the world, the weather, the amount of work I have to do. That’s the beautiful denial mind in the addict head. Anything to protect my desire to stay jacked.
Why keep doing it if its clearly uncomfortable? Well, I guess it’s the consistency. The habit. The ritual. The festering then the relief. The getting well. Earning that by needing the stuff.
Damnit. Round and round. Patterns of life. The widening gyre. Circling the drain and I’m the drain. The hole.
Do we really change? Can we really change? I think yes. Eventually we get tired. Tired of repetition, tired from age, tired from the distractions and eventually something gives or we give up. Then we change. Or we just don’t do things anymore. We stop ourselves from taking the action, saying the thing, making the face, we stifle ourselves. That’s a learned thing. Its called behaving. So, you can change by knowing your choices and making the right one, but that can get exhausting too. Indecision. Back to giving up. The letting go.
The longer you live the clearer it becomes that change is sometimes gradual and it has nothing to do with anything but age and being humbled by time. Which is good. Conserve that energy for the last few laps.
Today on the show I talk to Aaron Sorkin and we didn’t talk as fast as I thought was expected. On Thursday me and Brad Garrett do the comic talk thing. Good times. Good talks.